Her

1.

I’ve spent three months of the past year wishing I didn’t exist. Surprisingly, I didn’t get out of bed, work out till I was drowning in sweat, shout self-love quotes in the mirror and prepare a full English breakfast. Long story short, I made it. But for a moment, I even had myself scared. Being stalked by a black cloud of thoughts was no easy feat. But without realising it, I was becoming exactly who I needed to be. 

Everyone thinks they know what will make them happy. If you’d asked me a year ago, I would have said I wanted to be what I thought was the epitome of the modern woman. A woman with a successful career, an amazing partner by her side, and a hefty bank account. A woman who balances everything everyone expects of her. Now, I’m sad that that’s all I thought I could be. 

2.

My flatmate Ruby had come up to me around a year ago. We’ve shared a bare-boned, two-bedroom flat In Ipswich for two years now. Nothing much happens here. But I like that stability. I can depend on my environment and the seasons. On the different coloured skylines as they come and go because they have to. And the best part? I had Ruby, my coworkers, and that’s it. Coupled with the lack of noise in the town, it was perfect. At that point, we had been flatmates for a year, but since Ruby had her group of friends, we hadn’t gone out much together. 

“Hey Amelia, you okay?” Ruby asked.

“Yeah, just making a cup of coffee. Would you like one?” 

“Yes, thanks. I was thinking… I know we’re not close. But fuck, we’ve been living with each other for a year now, and I’m tired of seeing you cocooned on the couch, drawing on your tablet every weekend. So, this is my olive branch. My friends and I are going to a club tonight after work. Apparently, there’s a cool event I’ve never heard of. Would you like to join?” 

I could feel my heartbeat doubling, but for some weird reason, I thought, Fuck it. It's better than binging episodes alone. Tomorrow’s Saturday, so I’m off anyway. And I can always get drunk. 

“Fuck it, sure.” 

She stared at me, half shocked that I said yes and half satisfied with herself that I agreed. By then, she had picked up that I was a bit of an introvert, but for some weird reason, Ruby made me feel safe. Her energy was peaceful. 

That day, I got home, showered, and quickly put on some makeup. Then I straightened my wavy, frizzy hair. I don’t own many dresses, but I picked an old, reliable little black dress I’d had for ages. I checked in the mirror to see how I looked. I’m not ugly, but I'm definitely not the girl everyone wants to have sex with when they enter a room. I’m just an average-looking girl who is never the first pick but never the last either. And I’m fine with that. I don’t want to be the prettiest girl in the room. I’ve never wanted the attention. When I came out of my room, Ruby’s face lit up,

“Are you joking? You’ve been hiding that body under baggy oversized clothes this whole time?”

“Hey, I love my baggy oversized clothes. It’s called style. Besides, I didn’t have a reason to dress up.”

“We’re gonna fix that. You deserve to be seen dancing. Preferably shaking your—”

“Okay, definitely not,” I interrupted her. But I might have slid her a small smile. Maybe I could use a friend.

3.

When we got there, I instantly felt like I was going to throw up. Introductions. The bane of my existence. We walked to the entrance and up to a group of people who all looked like they were in their twenties. There were two boys, one who looked like he played on his gaming computer 24/7 and another tall guy who I think Ruby had a crush on, judging by the way she instantly blushed every time he spoke. And her.

The gamer boy was my type, but for some reason, I could feel the girl inching closer towards me. A tray of shots was already on the table within five minutes of entering the club. I took two shots. I’ll stop feeling anxious. Ruby handed me her favourite drink, a gin and tonic, and went to grind on the tall guy she liked. The other guy was busy trying to pick up a random girl. So, it was just me and her. She was naturally and exceptionally beautiful. I felt intimidated. Why would she want to speak to me? But she did.

 “So, how’s it going living with Ruby?” 

“Um, great. She’s very clean… and nice. Easy to live with.” 

“Is this your first time here? I’ve never seen you before.”

Is she flirting with me? “Not much, I don’t like meeting new people–wait, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. And this is literally why I hate it. I’m just too awkward.”

“You don’t have to feel awkward around me.” 

Now, here’s the kicker - from this point on, I’d give anything to have still been my anxious self. But I wasn’t. I was a drunk woman who gave in to her desires. I had never kissed someone before. Well, I had had my ‘first kiss’ in a stereotypical ‘Truth or Dare’ game when I was 14, but that was just a peck. I’d never had a passionate, ‘I want you now’ type of kiss. Dancing with her, our bodies entwined, I felt hands on my hips and her long curls brushing against my body. I stopped caring. I didn’t care if anyone was looking or what they were saying, what repercussions there may be. I just wanted her. I want to feel every inch of her body against mine. I wanted to feel my hand run through her curls. I wanted her touch. On my body. Everywhere. This was a new feeling for me. And no, not because she’s a woman. I mean, in general. No man or any woman had ever made me feel this way. Except her. 

4. 

I opened my eyes slowly, my head groggy from the alcohol I had consumed. Where the fuck am I? I turned over and saw Ruby’s friend. Oh. How did I manage that? She stirred then. I was trying to grasp that I was in a hot girl’s bed who was technically a stranger, and my hands started to go numb. Not now. You are fine. You are safe. 

What I didn’t realise then was that from that moment on, I’d be the happiest and then the most depressed I’ve ever been in my entire life. But for now, you’ll see how we fell in love. I want to believe that she loved me back at some point or in some way. But I guess that’s for you to reflect on and decide at the end of the story. Only one thing is certain: I fell boldly and irrecoverably in love with her.

She opened her eyes, stretched, and calmly turned towards me like we weren’t two strangers in a bed after a random club night. When she looked at me, I felt seen. Almost to the point of terror. A strange, new, but exciting vulnerability blossoming. The first thing she said was, “How about we get some breakfast?”

I didn’t own a car; Ipswich was a small town with a marina, and I got by using buses and walking everywhere. 

“I’d love to, but I don’t own a car. And I kinda don’t remember how we got here. Um, where are we exactly?”

“We’re at mine’s. No one kidnapped us, and you willingly came, don’t worry.”

“Glad to know. Have you been living here long then?”

“Around seven months now. I like it. I know no one, and no one knows me. And that means I get absolute freedom.”

I smiled. “That’s how I like it too. I’ve lived here for a year. Nothing much happens, but that’s why I like it too.” We have something in common. “But you know Ruby and the others, right?” 

“I met them two weeks ago at the club, and they kept inviting me ever since. Come on let’s get dressed, we can walk to a café close by.”

She stands up, brushing her hand on my thigh as she gets up. We got dressed and went out for breakfast, the first of many breakfast dates. She thought it was romantic, and I did anything to please her.

5.

I spent the following three months falling in love with her a little more each day. Every time I opened my eyes, her image instantly flooded my vision. I caught myself smiling at her pictures. I messaged her good morning every day, and my heart ached a little when we weren’t together. I guess you could say I was a little addicted, and I was ready to give up anything and everything to make her happy. During the week, we would meet after work to grab dinner every day, laughing along the marina. On Sundays, we used to go out for a late breakfast at the same café where we had first hung out, and week after week, she told me, “This is where I fell in love with you.”  

These moments feel bittersweet now. Did she always know what she was going to do? Even when we lay naked in bed, kissing every spot of each other’s bodies? Even when I told her she was ‘the one’ for me? I guess I’ll never know. These are the most problematic moments because they tend to reel you in. Get you hooked. Who cares what mean thing your partner did last night when you can laugh and kiss for hours in bed? When they know precisely how to touch you, and you can feel the vulnerability lingering in the air?

I guess it’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment everything when to shit. But I think it started a little after we reached the three-month mark. My old friend from sixth form had called to tell me that she would be in London for work and that she wanted to visit me. London’s only an hour’s train ride away, so it was perfect. We hadn’t seen each other for months, and I was so excited I could barely focus on doing anything else. I told her my friend Erin would be coming to visit, 

“So, Erin is officially coming next week! I literally cannot wait for you guys to meet.” 

I could sense the shift in energy within the room. Is she annoyed? I don’t want to upset her. 

“Oh. Will she be staying with you? Here?”

“Yes, of course. We always stay at each other’s places when we visit. Saves money for both of us and makes it easier to spend time together on these short visits. Is that all right with you?” 

“Sure.”

I thought I glimpsed a smirk but decided to let it go. Why would she have a problem with that? Me and Erin have been friends for years. But I guess it’s normal to be a little jealous in a new relationship. 

By 13:00 p.m., Erin was already at the train station. I had taken the afternoon off to meet her as soon as she arrived. Taking one of her bags, we walked together towards the town centre, telling each other our recent life updates. I told her that I was seeing someone.

“I really, really like her. She’s so beautiful and amazing.”

“I’m happy for you. I’ve never seen you this way, all giddy and in love.”

“I know. Sometimes I freak myself out too.” 

We spent the next three days eating our favourite snacks and meal deals, drinking wine and picnicking in different parks. It felt ecstatic to have my best friend and my love all to myself. And for the first time, I felt at peace, surrounded by love—another new feeling. 

When we waved goodbye to Erin at the train station, she coldly turned around and said nothing else. I had a sick feeling in my stomach. My intuition could sense that something bad was going to happen, but what that was, I wasn’t sure yet. She turned around and said,

“I don’t think she’s a great friend.”

I was taken aback, “What? Why?”

“She puts you down constantly.”

“She does? How?”

“Yes. I know it’s hard to hear, but I saw her smirking whenever you mentioned me. And did you notice how jealous she was when you spoke about us? She even laughed about you with me behind your back. I was shocked.”

“Oh. Really? What did she say?” I could sense the shift in energy as I spoke. “It’s just we’ve been friends for so long... and we’ve never had an issue.”

“Are you insinuating that I’m lying? You should believe me. You love me, not her. Right?”

“Yes, of course. I love you. But, um, okay… I promise to think about it. I’ll ignore her messages for now if you feel that strongly about it. I’m sorry.”

It felt wrong. I could feel the shame coming closer to claim me from the shadows. But acknowledging and accepting that meant I would have had to give her up. And that didn’t even feel like an option at the time. Love is truly blind.

6.

I didn’t speak to Erin for a while. I’m not proud of it and I apologised multiple agonising times after. I still feel guilty. I started avoiding Ruby too. I didn’t want her to think that I liked Ruby more than her. I was washing the dishes one time when Ruby blurted out,

“I’m not good at this. But look, I know I’m the one that introduced you to her. And I don’t want to rain on your parade. I want you to be happy. It’s nice to see you’re going out more now, but I just think you’re moving a bit quickly. Remember that she hasn’t been in the group long, so be careful.” 

I wish I had seen it from her perspective. But I didn’t. I alienated myself even further. 

7. 

A month passed after Erin had left, and things between us were perfect. On the surface, at least. It was almost like a fever dream. How am I this lucky? I wasn’t. But I was drowning in her. She was absolutely breathtaking, and that’s something I can never deny. The way she carried herself was encaptivating. I got turned on just by watching her walk. She had ignited this passion in me that I never even knew existed. But little by little, I started forgetting myself. What I even like. 

“Heading to the shopping centre later for some new clothes. Wanna come with?” I asked her.

“Of course. I need some new clothes, too.”

We quickly drank an iced latte from the coffee stand in the centre and then walked over to the most popular store. Shopping is not exactly my favourite thing, and I try to avoid it as much as possible. I’d rather do something else besides stand in changing rooms, wishing I had a different body to fit the clothes I had hauled in. I grabbed a pair of baggy jeans and an oversized graphic t-shirt off the rack. 

“Really? Those? You’ll look homeless.”

“But this is what I always wear. You’ve never liked my outfits?”

“Not really. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but at the same time, I also want to find you attractive.”

I put the clothes back on the rack. 

“I want to be attractive to you. Do you really mean that…?”

“Babe, don’t worry. I love seeing you in bed. Naked. You’re definitely hot. But I can’t say I’m attracted to you when you wear that.”

I let her pick out my clothes for me. That was the ugliest and most disgusting I’ve ever felt.  I wanted to throw away my entire wardrobe. In the changing room, I felt my eyes about to overflow with tears, and I physically felt like I was shrinking. I want to be beautiful for her. 

8. 

Making tacos for dinner, we danced around the kitchen, teasing one another. I hugged her from behind and kissed her neck as she diced the onions and peppers. I still remember the TV playing her favourite songs while she sang. Not loud enough for the neighbours to hear but loud enough for me to be enchanted by her siren call. At this point, I was spending more time at her place than at mine, and I hadn’t seen Ruby in over a week. It had been our 6-month anniversary the day before, and we were still in our lustful daze from celebrating. While I was plating the tacos, I heard my mobile ring. It was Ruby. I answered and put her on speakerphone, 

“Hey, Amelia. We’re all going to the club from the other night again if you two want to join.”

Looking over at her, she nods in agreement.

“Sure, we’re in. Around what time?”

“10 p.m. Does that work for you guys?”

“Yes, perfect. See you later!”

I still got nervous when it was time to go, but I justified all the anxious thoughts away. We were running late, so everyone was already inside the club when we arrived. I was wearing a dress which she didn’t like. “It’s too revealing. Don’t complain to me if men grope at you at the club,” she had said at home. We see the others and join their table. I ordered a gin and tonic. Inhaling a shot, she went off to dance on her own. I started to feel anxious. I tried to justify the bad thoughts away. You are fine. Your friends are here. You are safe. But it didn’t work. I had a bad feeling, and I felt my insides churning. I saw a man come up to her. He said something, but it was too loud for her to understand him, so he whispered it in her ear. She looked directly at me and whispered something back. I thought it was the universal sign for ‘get this creep away from me’. Walking towards her, I saw him put his hand on her lower back. I noticed she didn’t brush it away. 

“Hey, you okay?”

“Oh, yes. I’m with Dave. He works in insurance. That’s so cool.” Turning to him, she flutters her eyes and says, “You’re just so cool.” 

I didn’t understand what was happening. Is she… flirting with him? Dave started inching towards her the same way she had inched closer to me. She looked me directly in my eyes and said to him,

“You’re so attractive. I love your suit. Would you do and wear anything I say?”

Is she doing this to get back at me?

“I’ll do anything you want. You name it.”

“I could let you fuck me right now.”

I could see him growing hard under his pants because of her. I walked away and looked back. And like Orpheus, my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces as I saw her kissing him, with the same passion she had kissed me. I turned back around and walked back to my flat.

9. 

The next day, my brain still couldn’t process what had happened. She kissed another person in front of you. But why? Why would she do that? Anxiety started to flood my entire body. Is she still asleep? I unlock my phone to check. No new messages. We just celebrated our six-month anniversary two days ago. While my instinct harassed me to let her message me first, I couldn’t bear not knowing. I forced myself out of bed, put on a random t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, and headed to hers. Tears fell down my face as I knocked on her door, and after five anxiety-inducing minutes, she opened the door. 

“Oh, morning. Want some coffee?”

“What? No, I don’t want any coffee. Do you remember what happened last night?”

“Yes. I made out with a guy at the club, and you left.”

“And… that’s it? I’m confused. You’re not even going to explain?”

I saw the smirk forming, and it was at that moment that I realised I had fallen in love with a complete stranger. The way her face changed instantly made dread creep all over me. I knew then that there were two versions of her: who she portrays herself to be and who she is.

“I thought we… I thought we were together. Don’t you love me?”

“I’m no one’s. You wore your outfit for attention but can’t outshine me. You need to learn your place. Did you really think we would spend our entire lives together? We had a good run, and you were amazing in bed. But that’s it. Nothing more. I got bored. I’m bored. I’m. Bored. Of. You.”

I knew then that it was over. My heart sunk to my knees. My lungs tightened, and I felt my fingers and toes grow numb. I could feel the panic attack coming, but I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me ache over her.

“I have nothing else to say to you, Katherine.” 

10. 

Over the next three months, I probably produced enough tears to water a whole burning village. After facing Katherine, I was destroyed. I wanted nothing more than to become a speck of dust, vanishing away with the wind. I had reached too close to the sun and bruised my entire self with the fall. I could no longer function. I could no longer feel joy when sun rays touched my skin at the park. And then, day by day, I came back. I never spoke to Katherine again. I still avoid going to the club we met, and she’s never reached out. She’s probably too busy searching for her next victim to enchant. 

I dug myself out of the trenches. Slowly, I started putting my life back together. I threw away everything that reminded me of her. I removed her photo from my phone’s wallpaper. I focused on work as a distraction for a while, which finally got me a raise, and I finally bought some decorations for the flat. Then, I started living. I made friends. I started going out with Ruby and her friends or inviting them over to hang out. I kissed boys. I kissed girls. I kissed whomever I wanted. 

The most painful part of a break-up is when you realise the person you loved the most is now a stranger. A ghost you left behind and are afraid of seeing again. That they abandoned you, that maybe they never even loved you at all. That maybe there’s something wrong with you. There’s a certain haunting sadness that comes with all of that.

But loving Katherine transformed me. I understand now that I had to fall in love with her to become who I am supposed to be. I gave myself the gift of unconditional love. Now, I am the true epitome of the modern woman—the woman who cares for those around her, the woman who is ready to be loved unconditionally by someone after learning how to love herself.